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26th over: Australia 182-1 (Head 113, Labuschagne 40) Labuschagne hits a four, don’t ask me where. Head scorches Atkinson down the ground for another, steers a third over backward point. That brings up the hundred partnership is about seven minutes.
A horrible over from Atkinson includes two wides as he tries to hide the ball from Head. Labuschagne slugs four more to make it 20 from the over.
Australia have scored 154 in the last 19 overs.
25th over: Australia 162-1 (Head 104, Labuschagne 31) One of these decades, we’ll realise the Australian team of 2017-26 were one of the all-time greats. They’ve been world champions in every format, wiped the floor with most opposition and, best of all, overcoming industrial quantities of adversity in many of their most famous victories. Now, as Will Vignoles wrote earlier, they have their equivalent to Adelaide 2006.
“Having missed the whole day yesterday, I did my usual compensating bottom-up read, suspending disbelief and time itself, pretending I didn’t know a clatter of wickets had fallen and that Stokes had burgled a fivefer,” writes Robert Wilson. “It’s an act of anti-imagination in its way, self-hypnosis or incantation, and it’s amazing how well it works. Very occasionally, it’s nearly better than watching.
“It is a strangely time-travelling form, the OBO. Like a ship’s log. You guys are superbly present tense. Impeccably immediate, responsive and alert. The form is filled the sense that the future hasn’t happened yet – even nine or ten hours later after it was written. This shit is the NOW!
“What’s remarkable is how few hostages to fortune you old OBO lags give. In the rolling urgency of the arrival of the now, there is very little immediately contradicted opining – not much Starc is past it, Stokes is a busted flush and Travis Head is a fat git. That’s pretty astonishing. It’s almost like you guys like the future. Or cricket, or something.
“Noice. Keep it coming.”
Keep it coming? After this? Do you want some?
24th over: Australia 160-1 (Head 103, Labuschagne 30) Head backs away to Atkinson, tries a tennis slam with both feet off the ground and top-edges the ball to safety on the leg side. No idea how that didn’t go to hand, though it wouldn’t really matter if it did. An England bowler could take a double hat-trick and the game would still be touch and go.
Play has been extended by an extra half an hour, so this will be the first two-day Ashes Test since 1921. That game had a rest day in the middle. England could do with a rest year to get over this.
“Let’s take the positives, Rob,” says Simon McMahon. “At least the England players, and indeed us OBOers, will be able to go over there and do whatever it was we were going to do for the weekend now.”
I wasn’t aware I’d made plans to spend the entire weekend weeping like a bairn, because that’s what I’ll be doing now.
23rd over: Australia 154-1 (Head 101, Labuschagne 26) Head’s epiphany predates Bazball – remember his 148-ball 152 at the Gabba in 2021-22 – and this innings could put Bazball six feet under. I’m not sure how you come back from this. I know Australia did a year ago after being slaughtered by India, but they were on home soil and had plenty of credit in the bank.
Even Labuschagne is rubbing England’s nose in the filth; he backs away to flat-bat Archer through extra cover for four. The pitch looks so benign now. Maybe it’s a trick of the light. Maybe…
“I’m at the match, seeing the pitch up close,” says George Thomson. “Head has been brilliant but the pitch is now a pancake. That is why Atkinson and Carse could do what they did. It turned quite quickly. England’s fantastic bowling yesterday covered up a fantastically bad first batting innings, and the second matched it. They needed Australia chasing 350+. Sadly we will see a whitewash from here; Bazball doesn’t produce draws!”
Travis Head makes an amazing 69-ball hundred!
22nd over: Australia 147-1 (Head 100, Labuschagne 20) Head wallops Atkinson for four to move to 99. A single behind square on the off side takes him an astonishing, high-speed hundred: 69 balls, 12 fours, four sixes. It’s the joint third fastest for Australia in a Test; only Adam Gilchrist, at the Waca in 2006-07, has scored a faster Ashes hundred.
As an England fan this hurts like hell. But if you don’t love everything about Travis Head – his courage, skill, audacity, selflessness, attitude to life and sport, even that jaunty moustache – you need to seek urgent medical assistance. The phrase is execrable, but by god he is living life to the max.
21st over: Australia 136-1 (Head 93, Labuschagne 19) Never, ever have I ever felt do low has there been a matchwinning fourth-innings century in the opening Test of an Ashes series. But then there have been very few cricketers with the matchwinning range of this moustache-wearing freak.
“You’re so right about the majestic Travis Head,” writes Rob Lewis. “But still, after 60 years following England (dissolves in tears).”
Funny you should say that, Rob, because I just found this exclusive clip of every England cricket supporter in the whole wide world.
20th over: Australia 136-1 (Head 92, Labuschagne 18) This isn’t a Test match, it’s a T10 game. Head carves and flick-pulls successive boundaries off Atkinson, and by the end of the over he has 92 from 63 balls. That includes 41 from his last 19 deliveries; it’s the batting equivalent of Mitchell Johnson’s spell at the Gabba in 2013-14.
“Hi Rob,” says Angus Chisholm. “Another Ashes series, another gradual but inexorable fatalistic meltdown in the guardian OBO. We are, as they say, so back.”
19th over: Australia 127-1 (Head 84, Labuschagne 17) Archer returns, almost certainly too late. Labuschagne uppercuts for four; Head tries a similar stroke and is beaten. No matter: he pulls the next ball for four, slugs the one after that over mid-on for six. Even by Head’s standards, the chutzpah of this innings is quite something; he’s 84 not out from 59 balls.
The last two-day Ashes Test, since you asked, was in 1921. And I was there!
18th over: Australia 111-1 (Head 73, Labuschagne 12) After being in such a strong position, any defeat would have been devastating for England. But this… this is resounding, shattering. If England come back fom this to regain the Ashes, a salut.
Ah, sod England, let’s just celebrate the wonder of Travis Head. He waves Atkinson sweetly between extra cover and mid-off for four to move into the seventies, 73 not out from 55 balls to be precise.
When you’re a kid and you daydream about playing sport for your country, what do you want to achieve? More than anything – even an average of 60 with the bat – you want to entertain, to win the biggest matches for your country and your mates; to have fun and enjoy a psychological freedom that most people never feel. Travis Head is everything a sportsman or woman should be.
17th over: Australia 106-1 (Head 68, Labuschagne 12) England had managed to slow the scoring. Head pummels Stokes for three successive boundaries – cover drive, pull, drive through mid-off – to bring up the Australia hundred. For good measure he pulls another two balls later. Seventeen from the over.
With the obvious exception of Headingley 1948 and Joe Darling’s awesome 160 at Sydney in 1898, I can’t think of many better performances by an Australia batter in the fourth innings of Ashes Test.
16th over: Australia 89-1 (Head 50, Labuschagne 12) Brydon Carse (4-0-33-1) is replaced by Gus Atkinson. Stokes misses a potential run-out chance with Head scrambling to make his ground; not sure whether he would have been home or not.
England have managed to slow the scoring in the last 10 minutes. But that four-over spell in which Australia scored 43 runs (overs 7-11) has done untold damage to their hopes.
“Feels like everyone has forgotten this is a day two pitch,” says Pete Salmon. “Of course it’s getting easier. Remember when days two and three were the middle of a Test?”
15th over: Australia 87-1 (Head 50, Labuschagne 11) Ben Stokes comes on for Mark Wood, who bowled a damp squibbish spell of 3-0-23-0. This is the game, right here. Stokes’ introduction almost has the desired effect when Head misses a violent swipe outside off stump; he could easily have dragged that back onto the stumps.
“If England do lose, it won’t quite be That Test in the 2006/07 Ashes but gosh it feels close,” writes Will Vignoles. “On top of all that it’ll provide vindication to those Australian fans and media figures who seem to take the way England play as a personal attack, and even worse than that they’ll have a bit of a point this time around. What a waste!”
There are two sides to every utter fiasco story, though, and Australia’s resilience – individual and collective – is endlessly impressive. This victory, should it happen, will sit alongside the 2021 T20 World Cup, the 2023 World Cup, the 2024-25 Border-Gavaskar Trophy and all the other times they have greeted adversity with two very stiff fingers.
14th over: Australia 86-1 (Head 50, Labuschagne 10) Carse drifts onto the pads of Labuschagne and is clipped efficiently through midwicket for four. A short ball is dumped to the same area for three.
England have lost all control of the scoreboard; At this stage in the first innings Australia were 28 for 1.
A 36-ball fifty for Travis Head
13th over: Australia 79-1 (Head 50, Labuschagne 3) Head whips Wood for a single to reach the most brilliant half-century: 36 balls, 3×4, 3×6. His 152 at the Gabba shaped the 2021-22 Ashes; this innings could have a similar impact. He is a giant of the modern game.
Wood’s rhythm isn’t quite right, with his pace around 88mph/142kph. England can’t afford to wait for him to find it.
“I think England got their processes messed up by Head opening,” says Phil Harrison. “They tried to apply their plans to him as a middle order player to him as an opener. With the new ball, you just bowl new ball line and length, whoever is batting. Head got in their head, basically.”
That’s what great players do. I thought England were pretty accurate in the first five overs, but once Head got going they panicked a bit.
12th over: Australia 75-1 (Head 49, Labuschagne 0) The Weatherald wicket was the first ball that has really kicked from the pitch. Carse produces another to beat the new batter Labuschagne all ends up. In fact it was an even better delivery, a lifter that seamed extravagantly. “Wowsers!” says an open-mouthed Labuschagne to everyone and no one.
WICKET! Australia 75-1 (Weatherald c Duckett b Carse 23)
It’s not the wicket England wanted but they’ll take it. Weatherald pulls Carse for four with a touch of contempt, tries again and is surprised by some extra bounce. He gets a top-edge on to the helmet and is easily caught by Duckett in the covers.
That’s the end of a mentally tough knock from Weatherald: 23 from 34 balls. He will feel like a Test player now.
11th over: Australia 71-0 (Head 49, Weatherald 18) The pitch looks placid now, but that might be an illusion glimpsed the aftermath of another Travis Head boundary. He jumps across to fetch Wood over finr leg for six, then belts four more past backward point. In a very low-scoring game, Head has screeched to 49 from 35 balls. One of the greatest matchwinners of his generation has turned the match, maybe the series, in less than an hour.
“I fancied Australia to chase these when they started,” writes Phil Harrison. “But I didn’t think they were going to coast it. I know it’s only one game but this is going to feel crushing given the match situation at lunch.”
I’m trying to keep a level head, summon Kipling. What was it he said?
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
Then you’ve never watched England play cricket
Have you, my son?
10th over: Australia 58-0 (Head 38, Weatherald 18) Forget Travis Head’s Test average of 42. He Head is the most precious species in sport, a huge-game player, and it looks like he’s doing it again here. Head throws the kitchen sink at a full, wide delivery from Carse, slicing it high over the slips for six. There was a man on the boundary but it cleared him comfortably.
Carse’s first two overs have disappeared for 22.
9th over: Australia 47-0 (Head 29, Weatherald 17) Archer off, Mark Wood on. Head jumps up to slap three through the covers, then Weatherald calmly steers a boundary past the slip cordon. Australia were too passive with the bat yesterday; this partnership has been a model of controlled aggression. England need a maiden, never mind a wicket, because this is getting away form them in a hurry.
8th over: Australia 39-0 (Head 26, Weatherald 13) Brydon Carse, on for Gus Atkinson, is panelled for 11 in his first over. The second ball is short and follows Head, who bends his back to uppercut it over the keeper’s head. That’s a sensational shot, Australia’s first six of the match, and he follows up with a flamboyant thrash to the cover boundary.
The decision to open with Travis Head could win the match for Australia; he has raced to 26 from 25 balls.
7th over: Australia 28-0 (Head 16, Weatherald 12) Archer overpitches to Head, who clumps him through mid-off for three. The bowlers aren’t getting much zip out of the pitch at the moment; it might be time for Brydon Carse to thump the bejesus out of a good length. Or maybe he could wait a few overs until the heavy roller wears off.
6th over: Australia 22-0 (Head 11, Weatherald 11) Weatherald pulls Atkinson stylishly for three, an excellent shot to a ball that wasn’t particularly short. These are worrying times for England.
“For some reason the phrase RGD-W/8-43 is on my mind,” writes Paul Griffin. “What can it mean? Has the Aphex Twin recorded a Christmas single at last?”
5th over: Australia 16-0 (Head 8, Weatherald 8) This is a fine start for Australia. If they can survive Archer’s first spell they will arguably be favourites.
“Lest we forget,” says Abhishek Chopra, “this is the best opening partnership of this match by quite the distance.”
Weatherald is not out! He knew he hadn’t hit it. It was a cracking delivery that snaked back through the gate, but there was no inside edge.
WICKET? Australia 15-1 (Weatherald c Smith Archer 7)
Weatherald works Archer through square leg for three to get off the mark in Test cricket. That was his 11th delivery of the innings, his 13th of the match, and the runs were greeted with extravagant cheers from the home fans.
His first boundary follows soon after, snicked all along the ground, but then he’s given out caught behind off a beauty from Archer. England are certain, so is the umpire, but Weatherald has reviewed it straight away.
4th over: Australia 7-0 (Head 7, Weatherald 0) Head does go after Atkinson’s first ball, slamming a cut that is stopped at backward point by Carse. Atkinson’s over is largely excellent – tight line, good length – but when he drifts too full, Head puts him away to the midwicket boundary with a flourish. Australia have started well.
3rd over: Australia 3-0 (Head 3, Weatherald 0) No fireworks yet from Travis Head, who has started watchfully against Archer. He might try to put pressure on Atkinson at the other end.
After Head takes a single, Weatherald tries to pull Archer and is hit on the arm. Weatherald takes the blow and smiles down the wicket; not sure whether that was at Archer or Head. But for a guy on a pair in a huge Ashes Test, Weatherald looks pretty calm. Calmer than you are.
“If either side manage to wrap this up today, could they not just play an extra Test on the spare days?” says Tim Woods. “They could probably even have a day off in between.”
2nd over: Australia 2-0 (Head 2, Weatherald 0) Gus Atkinson starts around the wicket to the left-handed Jake Weatherald. No specialist batter has made a pair on Test debut for Australia, so Weatherland will be desperate to get off the mark. But Atkinson gives him nothing in the first over and he sensibly plays out a maiden.
“I’ve been out for a few drinks (Illinois time) and settled down to watch the cricket before bed,” writes Martin Widdicks. “I think I saw a fifty partnership for the eighth wicket in what seemed like five overs, and then someone out caught from a shot played a yard outside off stump. I guess I’m more drunk than I thought.”
1st over: Australia 2-0 (Head 2, Weatherald 0) Jofra Archer starts with a quiet over to Head. There were a couple of balls down the leg side, possibly deliberate, and a beauty that seamed past the edge. Head flicked the last ball for two to get Australia up and running. They need to make the highest score of the match to win, but they’re batting on a day-two pitch so that isn’t as tough as it sounds.
England batted for 67.3 overs in the entire match, their shortest total in an Ashes Test (where they lost all 20 wickets) since 1888.
Are you sitting comfortably? Well I’m afraid that won’t do. Find an uncomfortable spot and settle down for the Australian run-chase. As if things weren’t exciting enough, Travis Head, the original Bazballer, is opening the batting. He could seize the initiative in half an hour.
“Hi Rob,” writes Clive Darwell. “If anyone’s after some action in which the contestants have steeled themselves over months of preparation and perform with utmost application, the world coin-tossing championships are on Eurosport.”
Usman Khawaja will not open in the second innings. He left the field again with a back spasm during the England innings. Sir Alastair Cook, talking on TNT Sports, reckons it’s “a 50/50 game”. And in a statement of the offensively obvious, I’d like to place on record that Steve Smith and Travis Head are the key men.
“I’ve been a big fan of ‘Bazball’, but like so many other intoxicating things in life, it should be practiced in a judicious manner,” says Manjinder Sidhu.. “Everything in moderation and all that.
“England’s second innings is alarmingly similar to when my five-year-old nephew finds a few a few too many Freddos going spare and inevitably becomes too excited to think properly. Australia haven’t even bowled that well. I’m concerned…”
Do life’s most intoxicating things really need to be practiced in a judicious manner? It’s a good question, and I’ll get back to you when I’ve finished the secret stash of Freddos.
Tea: Australia need 205 to win
Mitchell Starc leads Australia off after an immense performance. He took 3 for 55 in the innings, 10 for 113 in the match, but that three-for doesn’t tell the full story of a terrific spell that included the key wickets of Joe Root and Ben Stokes.
A word too for Scott Boland, who got back on the Bazball horse, the one that keeps dismounting him, and bowled quite beautifully to take 4 for 33.
WICKET! England 164 all out (Atkinson c Doggett b Boland 37)
Gus Atkinson plonks his front foot down and sweep/ramps Scott Boland to fine leg, where Doggett takes a well-judged running catch.
I have no idea what has just happened, or what we are watching, or who is going to win. But I can tell you that the players are going to take tea.
34th over: England 164-9 (Atkinson 37, Wood 4) Mark Wood, on a king pair, heaves his first ball to cow corner for four. And why the hell not.
“Seeing a lot of doomy world views from English fans today – I’d traditionally be one of them,” writes Robin from Stockport. “But really, whatever happens here there are frailties on show from both teams – whoever walks away one down will feel like one got away, but very much up for another crack on 4 Deecmber. That’s the makings of a classic series right there for me. I’ll keep getting up early until it isn’t!”
I agree with you. I think. But given the position England were in at lunch, this would be a pretty devastating defeat.
WICKET! England 160-9 (Archer c Smith b Doggett 5)
Jofra Archer lasts three balls: a single, a thump to the cover boundary and a top-edged pull that is expertly caught on the run by Steve Smith. England lead by exactly 200.
Oh, and 29 wickets have fallen in less than 113 overs. Out there what is going off I just don’t know.
Despite the ugly end, that was a fine cameo from Carse, 20 from as many deliveries. Funny old game, cricket; in this innings Carse has scored twice as many as Root, Brook and Stokes combined.
WICKET! England 154-8 (Carse c Carey b Doggett 20)
One for the purists, this. Brydon Carse runs well outside off stump, tries to ramp Doggett and gets a thin tickle through to Carey. By the time Carse made contact with the ball he was standing on about 15th stump.