I Learned the Hard Way How Hard Blended Families Are

When my husband and I decided to get married seven years ago, we pictured a modern “Brady Bunch.”

Between us, we had eight children, ranging in age from 3 to 15. We knew it would be a challenge, but we imagined warmth, energy, excitement — maybe even fun.

The reactions we got should’ve warned us. “Wow, that’s a lot,” people would say. Or, “You must really love each other to take that on.” But we were sure we’d be different. We’d already been through failed marriages. We were determined not to fail again. We were unrealistically optimistic, and — looking back — very naïve.

There were good moments

We bought a house, created tiny dorm-style bedrooms so each child had their own space, and set out to “blend” our families.

There were good moments — pasta dinners around our big dining room table, pumpkin carving contests, silly talent shows, and games of croquet in the front yard. But there were also times when nothing felt blended at all. It was like going on vacation with another family: at first, you politely adjust, until suddenly you’re thinking, When do they leave so we can get back to normal?

We hadn’t grown together, and our family cultures were completely different. At dinner, my husband or his kids would say something that sent them into hysterics while my offspring and I stared blankly — and vice versa.

We had different parenting styles

As the months passed, our best intentions felt dangerously close to disaster. I found his parenting too strict. He found mine too permissive. I wanted space from him and his kids. He longed for more unity.

Then our children began clashing — there were fights about 2% milk vs. skim milk, time spent in the bathroom, music preferences, and his daughter’s ferret that kept escaping into my daughter’s underwear drawer. The more they fought, the more each set of biological siblings rallied to defend each other.

One weekend at a cabin, hoping to make memories, everything fell apart. Rivalries escalated during a game of “steal the flag,” and accusations and hurt feelings ensued. Finally, my husband packed up his kids and drove home early. The moment they left, my side and I let out an involuntary cheer — pure relief.

My husband and I loved each other, but privately we each wondered if we had made a terrible mistake.

We decided to live alongside each other

In desperation, I researched blended families, and everything I read made me feel worse. Even the term felt like an accusation. Nothing about our family resembled a smooth blend. It felt more like a chaotic stew—one no one had asked for. What if blending was simply impossible? What if it wasn’t even the right goal?

Facing what felt like collapse, we decided to stop trying to force something that wasn’t happening. Instead, we focused on simply living alongside each other with respect. A side-by-side family. I took care of my son and daughters. He took care of his brood. We shared pizza dinners when everyone was home. If one of us planned a game night, the others were invited but never pressured to go. We learned that each child needed alone time with their original parent — and that honoring this made everyone calmer, happier, and more secure.

We stopped critiquing each other’s parenting. We asked for advice only when we genuinely were ready to hear it. We reminded ourselves that we had chosen each other, but the kids hadn’t chosen any of this. They deserve time and space to adapt at their own pace.

Nearly eight years later, the slow, separate, respectful approach has worked far better than the fantasy “blend.” We still have rough days, but most of us get along, there’s warmth in the house, and I’d say — slowly, imperfectly — we’re marinating together just fine.